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Tuesday, August 30, 2005

It's The Thought That Counts, Not The Back-Ass-Ward Way You Get To It

I'm having sort of a conversation with Zoom whilst taking a shower.

I'm espousing my euphoria at how good the cool water feels on a warmish muggy night.

I yell out, "You can have the bed tonight, I'm camping out in here tonight". "In here" being the shower. I get my typical stinky faced response of "Yeah Yeah Yeah".

The pseudo-conversation continues as I tell her that if I could figure out a way to Hannibal Lecter strap myself to the shower wall, I'd let that frigging water run on me all night. I'd finally be the perfect temperature and I'd be out like a light in no time. Next month's water bill would put us into hock, but I'd sleep like a baby. I continue to say that if I could do what they do in the Space Shuttle (only in the shower), that'd be good sleeping times.

Zoom pipes up (in a very "Your mom sews license plates to your butt, how do you sit" kind of Real Genius moment) with "They strap them into the shower in the Space Shuttle!?" I say, "No, they strap them into bed, otherwise they'd float around all stinking night long". It'd be like sleep walking without the walking part.

Then "it" and the corresponding physics of "it" hit me. "It" being the thought I alluded to in the title of this little prattlefest.

Who cares if you float around all night? I mean, aside form the possible danger of floating into one of the turbo thruster buttons or the big red button they always have in spaceships that opens the door out to space. You know, in case Ellen Ripley is on your particular voyage and has to dramatically dispose of a rascally life form.

Here's my point, if you're in space and there's no gravity and your weightless, why not lock yourself in a harmless room and close your eyes? Let it happen man. Just turn off the lights, close your eyes and fall asleep. You wouldn't have to fumble around for a comfortable position, because without weight or gravity, they'd all be the same. You wouldn't have to worry about falling asleep on an arm or awkwardly on your back/side/stomach, because you are weightless and every position is the same. Every position is the most comfortable and least bodily stressful position. Inertia isn't even an issue. Assuming no one exerts a force on you mid-sleepy time.

Perhaps there's some deeply routed psychological barrier to allowing a human to sleep floating around? What do I know? I'm the guy that wants to sleep in the shower.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Zoom Colored Glasses

Story #1

With no exposition.
With no segueway.
With no foreshadowing whatsoever.

My darling fiance' turns to me in the car and says as though it makes complete sense at that particular moment in time, "Cantaloupe makes me itchy".

Story #2

In the midst of prattling on about various people we work with.

Zoom: "Did you see that Talula isn't wearing a bra today?"
Me: "No, you know I don't how I could have missed that"
Zoom: "You should really check that out"
Me: "I'll see what I can do"
Zoom: "Her boobs are like smushed sand castles"

Story #3

On our way to one of our favorite LA supper places. Again with a complete lack of warning or hint of any kind.

Zoom: "LA makes me want to smoke"
Me: (As we were mired in inexplicable Saturday afternoon traffic!) "LA freeways make me want to drink"

Story #4

As we enter our building one morning and notice that the crotchedy and cantankerous useless security guard has a bandage the size of futon smothering his forehead.

Zoom: "Ten bucks says he fell down"