For The Gagillionth Time, WE ARE NOT HAVING KIDS!

This is most likely going to be a rambling and bitter stream of consciousness prattlefest. More so than normal. Try to keep up.

Here's the thing people, I love kids. I really do. They do great tricks. They don't have to follow the rules. They're adorable when they're puppies. They have superhuman powers. They make great faces when you feed them dill pickles for the first time. They are great excuses to get out of doing stuff.

But here's the other thing people, I would never want any of my own. As the saying goes, "Kids are great place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there". They can't talk to tell you what they need or what is wrong. They always need something and something is always wrong. They don't require the sleep that normal human beings require. They do not share and do not understand "No". They cannot be unplugged or deactivated. They are always covered in some type of viscous goo.

So all you baby machines out there, make with the offspring. Have 3. Have 4. Have an entire brood. Procreate like bunnies for all I care. The more you have, the less pressure I get as to why Zoom and I are not having any.

But, despite my lack of caring, here is one thing I CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT.

Pregnancy is a choice. Pure and simple. It is not an incurable disease. It is not a genetic abnormality. YOU CHOSE TO DO THIS TO YOURSELF. As such you do not get, nor are you entitled to special treatment. No, you cannot take 6 months off to chase little Sienna or Throckmorton around the house. No, you cannot come back and work ridiculous part time hours and expect the same salary. No, you cannot leave every Monday Wednesday and Friday at 2:15 because little Cassius or Ezmerelda has violin practice. No, you cannot waste hour upon hour talking baby talk over the phone to someone who can't even speak yet during business hours.

We hired you to work full time during regular business hours. Just because you decided to get jiggy with it sans-condom, does not exempt you from the conditions under which you procured employment in the first place.

Like I said before, have a baby. Have a million babies. Have all the babies. But making that choice for yourself, does not have anything to do with me. You choose to get knocked up, you also choose the consequences that come with it.

And before you get all riled up internet, the "having a baby of your own will change your opinion" argument is malarky. The only way that changes my opinion is to reinforce what I already know from experiencing the children my friends and family already have. That is, nothing puts me more at peace than when I get to take the rugrats back to their parents. Don't try using the "someone has to continue to populate the world" argument on me either. I completely disagree and disregard you totally.

They're are too damn many people on this spinning dirt clod as it is.