This Is The Kind Of Baggage, I'd Like To Lose

We've all got it, but none of us will admit it. We are all living and breathing examples of what all the collective crap we have endured in our lives can and will do to a person. It's inescapable. We touch the iron and get burned, and we learn for a while. But the iron is just too enticing, and we put a finger on it once more.

At least that is the way it used to be. The way it was until Zoom happened.

My 20's were a complete disaster. I made a lot of really bad decisions and spent a lot of money I really never had. I almost drowned in a sea of credit cards. I had a myriad of self-esteem issues, most likely a product of being dumped by my first girlfriend. This was the girl that brought me out of my shell and taught me that girls would not kill you. She was my first love and my first time. I don't fault her at all for leaving me. I am thankful now for all the things she brought out of me and all the first times I got to experience with her. But hind sight does not change the loss and the hurt I felt when it finally ended. We were in love after all. How could you just walk away and forget love? That stung for a long long time. Bitterness and a lot of dark Depeche Mode songs followed.

This is how I staggered into my 20's. No self esteem and lonely. It seemed that any remotely pretty face that showed interest in me would be lambasted by my need to replace the love. I had a whole magazine stand full of issues and it only got worse as I went from girl to girl to girl. This is the period of my life where I developed a loathing of the name Jennifer. I had two bad Jennifer experiences. I will never have another Jennifer experience again as long as I live.

I am logical person. In fact, logic and reason are probably the closest things to religion I have. I believe that anything and everything has a cause and an explanation. It is with this mind-set that I sought to tackle love. What does it mean to be in love? What do you mean when you say you love someone? I remember sitting in the library for an entire 3 day weekend trying to reason my way around it.

What I finally cam up with is really simple. Love is thinking without thinking. It is driving home after a really horrible day and finding yourself stopping to get your love flowers. It is calling your love to tell them you're thinking of them at 10:12 in the morning. It is reading something or seeing something that reminds you of your love. It's your eye constantly being drawn to the things you know your love's eye would go to. Your love is always on your mind, but there's no effort to keep it there.

So I trudged along for 35 years and wallowed in relationship stupidity. I was close a couple of times, but ended up realizing how fortunate I was to side-step a landmine I thought was love. I knew I wanted someone to love, but their love had to be my love. That's where all the problems started and ended.

I had all these rules and conditions. Well, a man cannot live by dogma alone. I guess that is part of my new dogma. Subvert your dogma whenever you can. You'd be amazed at what can happen.

So I flailed for 35 years, but I finally found her. I know she's the one. I have never been more sure of anything in my life.

There's only one problem. I'm still carrying 35 years worth of baggage.

I am so terrified of losing her and so convinced I will, because of the past losses and mistakes. If she really knew what I would do for her and she in fact was evil, I'd have been in jail a long time ago. I try to tell her and show her I love her with every breath I take. I try not to smother her and listen when she tells me that everything is alright, but the baggage demons come calling. If I even sense that there is a problem, the logical and insecure side of me jumps at the chance to fix it. I am learning. It's been a lot harder than I ever imagined, but I am learning. I am trying to relax and enjoy this fantastic ride, instead of trying to anticipate when the car or how the car might go off the tracks.

The truth is she doesn't have anything that needs to be fixed. She doesn't have anything I need to tip toe around. She's good. She's good to me and for me.

I'm trying Zoom. I know it's hard dealing with me and my insecurities sometimes. Just know how I feel. Just know how much I care.

Maybe we need to go to Ireland again, and I'll finally lose the damn baggage there?