The Lunatics Have Taken Over The Asylum

Hello again my beloved internet. It's magic time again. Time to share my inner most personal thoughts. My deepest and darkest thoughts and feelings. All those things that are so personal and so private.

......and yet I somehow feel compelled to scribble them out and make them accessible to the entire planet.

Here endeth our lesson on Irony.

Anyway, back to the days rambling, ranting and prattling on.

In order for this blog thing to work, I should probably fill you all in on a couple of things. Think of this part as the explanatory index at the back of the Lord Of The Rings books. Except it's a lot shorter and if you actual read it, it'll make the rest of the story significantly easier to follow.

The following is a comprehensive list of any terms, verbiage or sayings I may exploit during the course of any series of ramblings, rantings or prattlefests;

Killing A Clown - Flatulence. Plain and simple. It is a joke that Zoom started in so much as when I pass gas (as I frequently do), it sounds as though I have squashed a clown. And if you squashed and killed a clown, the last thing you would hear is the honking of it's joke nose. See what she did there?

Driving - Whenever a couple sits side by side at a restaurant. This makes no sense to either Zoom or myself, because it makes having a conversation very difficult. We know you're in love people, but you don't have to be fused at the hip to make your point. Talking face to face is SO much easier. Plus, it means you can't have all areas of the viewable spectrum covered to witness whatever freak show or fashion disaster might saunter by. Which is VERY VERY important.

Driving The 88 - Spending quality time onto he couch. We have a very particular family room the requires "things" of very certain sizes. We knew we had a certain size space for a couch to live. That size was 88 inches. Our couch is 88 inches wide. We get on it together and, well you get the point.

Zoom - This is actually a verb and a noun. It is actually something E said at some point to describe the inexplicable time when KK's cat just decided to freak out. He'd run around the place without provocation. He therefore dubbed this time of kitty koo-koo, as having the zooms. This concept was then applied directly to my darling KK when she in turn,and usually as inexplicably, started spazzing out and had energy oozing from her for no reason. She became Zoom.

The Crazy Chicken - It's El Pollo Loco. We eat there frequently.

Chicken Good - It house special chicken from Pick Up Stix. We eat here frequently too. And if you ever had house special chicken, you know what I am talking about.

CAKE! - A tension breaking or Zoom appexing random exclamation. Others in this category include; Torque Spackey!, My Sqiddely Spooge! and Ice Ceam Sammich!.

The Big Short Dance - It started when my brother and I were skateboard punks and wore nothing but baggy shorts. It is something that you do in mocking celebration. When your team wins. When someone speeds by you on the freeway and then gets pulled over. When a co-worker you loathe gets fired for being the lazy and pointless piece of stinking dung you always knew they were.

Supa C - That's me. Zoom and Skillit started calling me this. Also known as Movie Rain Man. If I've seen a movie or TV show and liked it, it's burned onto my brain.

Zoom - That's my girl (ivegotzooms.blogpsot.com). Also known as Special K, KK and Hot Girl. I am going to pay for that.

Skillit - That's our bestest bestest friend in the whole entire world. She's actually the third member of this here wedding party. Also known as Magic M and simply M. Don't get her mad, otherwise her voice will change, and that would be bad for you.

My Brain - My PDA. If I don't have it, it really is that simple, I don't have it. I put as much stuff as I can into it, so I don't need to remember it. There's not much room left twixt the ears because it's all clogged up with movie and TV lines.

The Blinkie Box - The stooooopid TV. I'm not going to get all preachy and tell you how bad TV is, BUT TV IS EVIL! If that damn thing is on, I'm toast. It literally hypnotizes me. It doesn't matter if it's "Law and Order" or "Intervention" or a "Friends" episode I've already seen 10 million times and I own on DVD, it incapacitates me. It is evil and needs to be stopped.

The Invisible Snow Plow - Have you ever been on the freeway, and there is traffic all of a sudden? You don't see an accident. You don't see construction. Then you finally sloth your way up to where the traffic is only to realize some half wit is driving 52 miles per hour. It's almost as though he's pushing an invisible snow plow through his imaginary drifts of stupidity.

The Car Trap/Keepers Of The Speed - Have you ever come across a phalanx of ignorance which spreads across all lanes of freeway that you cannot get around? These morons are the unknowing and completely unrelated Keepers Of The Speed who will never drive faster than 60. Their weapon of choice is the infuriating Car Trap which keeps all sane motorists in check and locked in behind them.

The Coffee Whistle - Every morning Zoom gets her coffee transfusion. Every morning she blows through the little whole on the lid thingy to cool it off. It makes the Popeye "toot-toot" sound. After Zamfir determines that the coffee has left Just Out Of The Volcano status, she commences with the drinkage.

Just Out Of The Volcano - Whenever anything is too hot to deal with. Usually the temperature of any foodstuff whenever I am ravenously hungry.

The Hot Water Time Machine - This was almost the name of my blog. It is where I do all of my thinking. You get in the shower in the morning, and the hot water feels so amazing, the next thing you know, you're 65 years old. I could stay in the shower all day. Thank God the hot water eventually runs out, or that's exactly what I'd do.


This is a good place to start. We'll take it slow and see how you do my beloved internet.

Everyone make sure you have a partner, and try to keep up.