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Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Sticking Feathers Up Your Butt Does Not Make You A Chicken

* * * * DISCLAIMER * * * *


This post is liable to be all over the place. I know I have warned you about this before. It doesn't make it any less true this time. So everyone grab themselves a buddy and try and keep up.

It's no secret I love the movies. I always have. From Star Wars to Leon. From The Matrix to Pulp Fiction. From Amelie to Braveheart. From Payback to Lock Stock And Two Smoking Barrels. From Seven to Arthur. From Aliens to Better Off Dead. From Big Trouble In Little China to Chasing Amy.

You get the picture (no pun intended).

It's the escape-ism. I can go to the movies and turn my brain off for 2 or 3 hours. This does not mean I always go to mindless movies (Yes, I loves me the Dumb And Dumber and the latest Alien/Predator related anything), it just means that I can go and sever my brains connection to my life for 2 or 3 hours. This used to be a huge part of my life because my life was "unfulfilling". I lived at home. I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. I had a crappy job. My love life was erratic. I was drowning in debt. I wasn't where I wanted to be. The movies made it all go away. I could be Batman for 2 hours. I could conquer Germania for 2 hours. I could fight off the British for 2 hours. I could mastermind the theft of 100 million dollars for 2 hours. I could be anything and anyone but me for 2 hours.

It's not that I had anywhere close to a horrible life. I had a wonderful family and a place to live. I had a job and a college degree. I had friends and loved ones. I just wasn't happy because it isn't where I thought I should be at that certain time in my life.

Then, about 2 years ago, my life took a turn for the better. I met a wonderful girl. I fell in love with a beautiful girl. I'm going to marry the perfect girl. She's the fulcrum that's completely turned my life around. I am now finally where I always wanted and thought I should be. All because of her. She fell into my life and my life changed forever.

That doesn't mean that the sappy introspective demons within me don't rear their heads from time to time.

Case in point.

I'm out for my afternoon walk and I've got the music playing like I always do. It's a nice time to relax and unwind after work. It is also the time when my mind starts to wander about this and that. So, I'm thinking about the future of home prices in my area, about things I still have to do for the wedding, about how I need to get a new job, about how I need to go back to school, about how I have to get certified in some facet of I.T. to some how validate my position in I.T. management , about how I need to lose weight, about how I need a vacation. BLAH BLAH BLAH WOO IS ME WOO IS ME.

Then God hits me with it. I come around a bend and see a guy reading at a park picnic bench. He's only got the clothes on his back, a small backpack, a bicycle, his book and a blanket of newspapers to sleep on.

Point taken God. Take a nice cleansing step backward and get over myself.

Another case in point.

I get some dinner. The guy gives me $10 too much in change. Without hesitating, I give him the $10 back and tell him he gave me too much. I do this like it's something I've done a thousand times before. He is stunned. I AM STUNNED! Who the hell is this new guy? I would have never EVER done that before. It was always just their dumb luck and I'd gleefully go along knowing I got away with extra money. Perhaps my ties and beliefs in Karma have concentrated a bit.

Another case in point.

I'm walking around the college continuing with my nightly exercise, when I come upon the night shift cleaning crew. It's an entire swarm of Mexican men and women on their way to custodial work for the college. I start to think how sad it is that they spend so much time at this prestiguous university only the sweep up after all the sniveling little unappreciative rats that actually attend the school. That shifts into an appreciation for them, because at least they're making a visible contribution. Their job does something. You can see the results of their work. Further, their job is selfless. They are probably paid horrible wages and you never know they're there. Yet, without them, the college becomes a mountain of filth. Unlike my job of supporting a bunch of paper pushing muckity mucks. Not anyone can do what I do, but that doesn't make me feel any better or fulfilled. I've always felt like it was blind luck I got to where I am today and that at any moment someone is going to "discover" me and it's all going to come tumbling down. I'll be revealed as the sham I've always considered myself to be.

Which brings me back full circle to the movies.

One of the movies (and books/authors for that matter - one of the rare instances when a movie is actually better than the book that inspired it - and if you've never read Chuck Palahniuk you really should ) that has had the greatest influence on me and my evolving lifelong personal ideology is "Fight Club". It really made me look at my life. It made me think about a lot of things in a different perspective. I am not someone who easily bends their philosophies or ideologies, but it really made me re-evaluate things and assess just what my life was about.

If you've seen the bar scene between Tyler and the Narrator, you can probably understand what I'm talking about.

"Things you own, end up owning you" "I say, never be complete. I say, let's evolve and let the chips fall where they may"

But more to the point here today, is the discussion Tyler and The Narrator have about comittment.

"Sticking Feathers Up Your Butt Does Not Make You A Chicken" Tyler says at one point. His point being that you can gab all you want about anything, but until you commit to it and really do, you're just kidding yourself.

So that's where I am right now. What do I do about all the things going on in my head about my job/career? I have the perfect woman. I have the perfect house. I have the perfect life, except I loathe my job. I am in the field I want to be in, but not doing what I want to be doing. I've become the whipping boy jack of all trades. This is not what I want to be.

Anyone have any advice for someone struggling with changing jobs/careers after they've spent almost 15 years doing the same thing?

I'd love to hear from you if you do.

I am Jack's Need For Career Counseling

5 Comments:

At 6:29 PM, Blogger Ms. Amanda Tate said...

I am Jack's attitude-challenged IT Project Manager, myself, so I can't offer much advice. I can comiserate, however . . . even if that's misspelled. I think you understand.

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger The Idiot said...

....thanks Rev.

I think I'm still working out a lot of job stuff in my head. Making it up as I go along, if you will.

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger Ms. Amanda Tate said...

I hear ya. I get it, too, because I would love nothing more than to feel like I accomplished something at the end of the day. The IT PM role is such a soul-sucking thankless venture. It is so far away from where I'd rather be, but I am pretty clueless about where I'd rather be.

Sorry I can't be more help. I can adore "Fight Club" with you, though.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger ZooooM said...

Fist of all, you are supposed to marry me, not this girl you speak of. Consider yourself stink faced.

Second of all, is this all just an elaborate apology for dragging me to "Two Weeks Notice" back in the day? Ahhh, the interest on that deposit never runs out, eh?

But in all seriousness? I belive part of your butt feathers is the fact that lately the office has thrown a lot of the creative projects at you. And you LIKE the creative stuff, but you can't be the creative project guy AND the IT guy.

Is there a chance that because you've gotten a little taste of working the creative side (which I know you love) that you are feeling this push to make a change? Because that wouldn't be a bad thing. All that would tell me is that your heart really lies in a different area of IT/Law Office Computer Support than you are currently in.

And if you don't know it already, I'm telling you now. I will support you no matter what you decide. School, new job, old job, things we haven't thought of yet and combinations of those.

 
At 12:59 PM, Blogger Kathy said...

Awwww...you two are the best!

 

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